Speak your mind…even if your voice shakes. – Maggie Kuhn
i have to admit i’m a total hypocrite here. maybe the point of writing this blog post is to give myself the hutzpah needed to get something off my chest that i need to say, to tell someone something i desperately feel i will regret not saying. having a tumultuous year last year and experiencing the car accident and what revelations that brought me, I’ve felt much more in touch with and more confident about the side of me that feels the need to share with others what i may be feeling. almost losing those opportunities makes someone reassess if you should keep your mouth shut – i mean cmon, we’ve all heard the clichés. TELL EVERYONE YOU LOVE THEM YOU NEVER KNOW WHATS GONNA HAPPEN. and they’re clichés mainly because, well, it’s true. but what about the tough stuff? what about telling someone something that makes you feel really vulnerable? it’s one thing to text your sister (like i did today – whats up James) and say “hey! love you!” out of the blue so you give them a smile. its another thing to share and open up…to say, listen i am just going to put this out there but…xyz. whatever you’re “putting out there”. maybe you miss someone that used to be a beautiful figure in your life. maybe you need to tell someone that they really hurt you with something they said/did. maybe you want to take a relationship to the next step or even tell someone that you have feelings for them and want to see where it goes.all of it is tough. i mean hell, even texting someone you just met and saying “hey! how was your day?” can be analyzed to death in my group chat with the girls. i can’t imagine what kind of inner dialogue happens when we have to be actually vulnerable. i don’t know about you, but my mind tends to just shut off. the only way i can really figure out what i truly want to say to someone is to write it down – to write a letter. then i edit it down, and edit it down again, until i have a few concise sentences that very clearly illustrate what i feel. you really hurt my feelings when you said that.
i really wish things had gone differently.
i feel like we could have something really special.
i don’t think this is working for me anymore.
i miss you every day.
do you think we could mend our friendship?
are you sure you don’t have any more blueberry donuts? just these 14?^^this is me giving myself side-eye for that last one. not funny.
ok anyway, my point is, i had a conversation with someone a bit older than me where she was sharing a story about someone she dated 30 years prior. THIRTY. she said she still regrets not telling him “listen this really hurt me” which truly blew my mind. i mean, what good would it have done to say that? she was very happily married to someone else for decades. she wasn’t going to change someone’s mind. she didn’t come from a place of wanting him to hurt. she genuinely regretted still to this day not expressing how she felt to someone else that was involved in the situation. she bore the burden herself. and it’s made me think about difficult conversations that i may be dying to have also but don’t have the nerve to share.there’s a tough and all-bearing conversation i definitely need to have at some point myself, i’m not setting the best example ever here because i also have times where i need that extra push of courage. but i think at the end of the day, i’d rather be someone filled with nerves before saying something vulnerable than someone filled with regret because i kept my mouth shut all those years ago. so i’ll be vulnerable if you promise to try with me.
but first, lets have some blueberry donuts 🙂