Let me set the scene for you.
It’s Sunday night in New York City. A 29-year-old single-again Ashli Pollard lounges on her perfect sectional watching one of the best shows of television history, Community, and resisting the temptation at all odds to revisit those god forsaken dating apps – Bumble, Tinder, Hinge – but soon caves. She opens Bumble, swipes away, matches with a guy (yep, you guess it: Rick) and makes the typical small talk banter in which only exists on these apps. “We should meet for coffee tomorrow since we’re neighbors-ish” he says. She obliges. They meet and he …doesnt talk at all. It’s like pulling teeth to get the guy to say a word. Nice guy! But a no for Miss Ashli. She goes on with her life insisting he must’ve noticed the awkwardness and is surprised to see a text from him the next day attempting to make the next round of plans. She decides to respond honestly but kindly letting him know that conversation didn’t flow very naturally and it wasn’t really there for her but they can stay neighborhood friends if he would like.
Ladies – do we all know where this is going?
Fellas – i doubt you do.
You see, this is that interesting moment in online – or really in any – dating where a woman, after calm consideration, decides that a particular man doesn’t necessarily meet the standards she’s placed to gain entry into her vagina. Now, this can shock some men because they believe they have the right to make those decisions on a woman’s behalf because they are the experts on someone else’s body parts … but we don’t have to get political here now do we*? no we do not.
The thing is – when rejected, *SOME* males, the bad gross ones aka the ones who live in nyc jk theyre everywhere, tend to retaliate by being just disgusting in nature. Rick was no different, as you can see from his response (warning you: graphic, horrifying, not cool, not appropriate. you’ve been warned):
Rick in Gray. Ashli in Blue. for you weirdos without iPhones. jkloveyoumeanit.
Myonly regret is not just blocking him immediately, which i then did. of course the guy who “isn’t attracted to me at all” (of which i care a whole 0%) is still – to this day – the first person to watch my snapchats, my instagram stories, and like my IG pics. He even wrote something vomit inducing about my halloween picture tempting me to take it down and decided to just block him all together instead.
SORRY MY POINT BEING THIS HAPPENS. and this isn’t the first time this has happened in my life. this isnt the first time it’s happened this year. it’s consistent and many women have similar stories.
SO TO YOU RICKS OF THE WORLD – BECAUSE WE KNOW THERE ARE MANY – PLEASE READ THIS NECESSARY LETTER IN CASE YOU ARE AT ALL CURIOUS ABOUT HOW INTERESTED WE ARE IN YOUR GENITALS.
Hi – Ashli here. Thank you very much for your rude remarks regarding my boring demeanor and unattractive features, only brought to light after i very kindly rejected your unwanted sexual advances. I assure you that the size of your member, expertise in positions, sex addiction (which i’m sure you meant love-making addiction, as you’re clearly only in it for the emotional intimacy), or even the concerning amount of ejaculation you apparently create all did not sway my interest in having sex with you… or really experiencing any sort of activity with you at all. I would ask you to get tested after the “two girls a week” from Bumble but we all know that’s an absolute lie, now don’t we? I’ll happily take being boring and unattractive in your eyes than being the creepy, lazy, immoral degenerate you so proudly are. Please keep your dick in your pants, I assure you that nobody wants to see it.
Ashli. and the world in general. (Oh and your screenplay sounds stupid).
OK FINE THE LAST PART WAS UNNECESSARY BUT IT FELT GOOD AND ALSO IT SOUNDED LIKE A DUMB ASS MOVIE WHATEVER RICK SUCKS LET ME BE PETTY.
Again, dudes, if a girl says no to you, please just realize that if you’re really as awesome as you think you are, it shouldn’t be too difficult to move on. Lashing out on the person you were LITERALLY just trying to hit on seconds prior only proves that you deserve to be back in your mom’s basement chained to the radiator eating TV dinners slid under the door.
Let’s also take one final second to give some true thank you’s to the great men that i know (and of course those i don’t) who have been nothing but kind, respectful, great men who treat women honorably. Although i didn’t write a post about the many instances i’ve seen that as well, i appreciate you all the same. Thanks for existing or i’d probably jump off of a bridge. Never did I expect to thank men for not showing me their dick but here we are.
Thanks for letting me vent, and hey guys who suck – be better.
*pro life should be called anti choice k bye.